A Panic Attack and A Spiritual Awakening

I woke from a dream where I had been taken in by a rich family, extended every gracious courtesy, and, filled with shame at my lowly status, I stole off, a thief in the night, wearing clothes borrowed from my patronesses (absent) husband. What turned me to shame in the dream, though, was an ice coffee with caramel liquer in a can, imported from America: the Lady of the House has noticed my liking for coffee and doubtless got it specially for me. But as I woke, the sense of sadness deepened and the heavy feeling of obligations I am unable to fill pervaded awareness. Unwilling to move for fear, my heart began to race, and the amount of oxygen my lungs used increased.

All this before I was even awake!!

So I folded my hands and said the Lord's Prayer. This short piece of loveliness has unfailing power to shift the blackest despair, I have discovered through experience. Then, having slept on the (newly cleaned!) couch last night, I reached over to the computer and put on a Buddhist chant.

"Nam Myoho Renge Kyo". The sacrifice of the Monk Nichiren came to mind. When a sage struggles in service of the truth it seems a terrible thing, but Nichiren's defense of this chant against barbaric Japanese authorities is still inspiring me here and now 13 centuries or so later. Real authority in action.

I put on an ancient Western piece, an Alleluia, extracted from the monasteries of ancient and lost Aquitane. Then I put on a methodist piece, O Magisterium Mysterium, which never fails to touch my heart. Something leapt up in me with happiness, and the sense of anxiety and fear and unfulfilled obligation vanished into joy as I got up and wrote out an inventory of my state, thoughts, and feelings.

I am listening to Mozart as I write this, a divertimento.

A panic attack and a spiritual awakening. What a way to start the day.