Blue Day Thoughts

My cat vanished a week ago. I am wondering, in the moments of clear enough consciousness to actually WONDER, how I can restore my heart to stable happiness and peace again. With her gone.

And when I am reminded of her my heart contracts with longing to cuddle her again. The thoughts of what might have happened to her were laid to rest four days ago, since they lead nowhere. But the thoughts of her presence linger, and there is no way to restore the feeling with her gone.

What grieves me most is not that she is gone, for I wish her well and happiness. What grieves me most is the attachment to loss itself. The aspect of awareness that grieves me most is one in which one grips sadness like a loved one, holds grief like I used to hold my beloved puss, with deep attachment and caring. Within the love for my cat Shakti was the attachment to pain itself, present all the time, and only revealed with her gone.

And nothing can heal this but the acceptance of the pain of the attachment. Acceptance lessens the hurt greatly.

And inquiry. A question which with her gone becomes focal to my life: what is love without attachment, generousity without expectation, uprightness without rigidity, truth without judgement, solitude without loneliness, serenity without resistance? And what am I without these things, I ask myself? This inquiry also lessens the hurt greatly, so I know in time it will pass.