Gaia is the word for "unity-of-life-processes". The experiment here is to unify the various threads of voice and sense of self together into an undivided unity. Spirituality, economics, politics, science and ordinary life interleaved.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Anxiety attack

I wake up with a throbbing head ache. The day's heat is gone but the house is stifling and sweat pours off me. The cat meows at my feet while I stagger into the kitchen, which has no lightbulb.

I open the microwave and in the light of that try and find the panadol my brother bought me three months ago. The cat continues to cry. The anxiety is too intense and I have to quit after a few seconds.

I fall onto my yoga mat and call the cat over, but she ignores me. I walk around slamming doors, try and find the panadol again, and again the anxiety is too much for me to continue.

I turn on the tv. I turn on all the lights. I turn on the electric kettle. Then I go and wash my face. The cat continues to cry. After a few deep breaths I begin to empty the cupboard out onto the benches, throwing out most of the dry food as I go. I do this for a little over a minute before the anxiety is too intense to continue.

Now I have the wherewithal to be able to fill the water filter, but not yet to find a glass. In fact, I don't own any glasses; I use empty newcafe coffee containers. And I can't find any at present. My head is buzzing and my centre of gravity has vanished, which is normal enough anxiety experiences, but intolerable combined with the headache.

Finally I empty two of the three cupboards in one quick dash of a few seconds and discover the half dozen remaining panadols. I gulp two down and find a nescafe container to fill with water and sit down in front of the television.

I drink and drink. Slowly the pain abates. But the heat does not.

I discover that I did not go offline before I collapsed on the bed in the middle of the afternoon, so I slowly close down the various windows, cursing as I do. A blessed American movie is on, 'Enemy of the State', thank god, providing an hour of exquisite distraction and peace. The two cups of coffee gradually return my ability to think a little. I glance at the biography of Isaac Newton that I am reading and it is too much effort to focus.


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