On Pain:

It's been a while since I wrote here - or really anywhere other than on the hard disk of my computer.

I have been writing entries for this blog for the last three and a half months. They will begin to appear. I think however I will speak about pain for today.

Four days ago I stretched the legs before bed and the next day woke with pain in the left one. Now it's been hurting for four days and I have brought analytical reflection to bear on it in lieu of having no better pain management strategy.

If I look analytically at the percentage of my time spent experiencing physical pain at present, it is about 25% of my waking time. But the amount of time spent quote unquote suffering is about 60% of my waking time. And almost all my waking time is consumed by feelings of grumpiness, helplessness, annoyance, and irritability.

Combine the pain with an unwanted task with this combined grumpiness, suffering and pain, and all these percentages go out the window. It becomes just 100%, 100%, and 100% and fuck you God for making physical bodies so miserably fragile.

Why is it so frustrating? Because it hurts to SIT DOWN. When I sit straight the muscle just below the glute in the leg aches dully. If I shift a dull and intense sensation throbs in the surrounding area of the underside of the leg. I try to discern precisely where the pain is and it seems to shift or defocus and refocus as I do, which in itself is interesting. The aim of this investigation, of course, is to minimise the discomfort and use the experience as a way to grow. The main stimulus for personal growth this particular experience provide is forcing me to stand a lot and thus move about a lot more.

I hear (from Gil Fronsdal's podcast) that it's helpful to discern between emotional negativity from pain, suffering as a mechanical attitude to the physical sensation, and the actual literal physical sensation. I hear that it's helpful to discern between the qualities and degrees of the physical sensation.

I hear all that. Now it's time to practice it.