Gaia is the word for "unity-of-life-processes". The experiment here is to unify the various threads of voice and sense of self together into an undivided unity. Spirituality, economics, politics, science and ordinary life interleaved.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

bad mood du jour

last nite i looked over sum other blogs to see what was goin on. it's been a while

i've been travelling.

i went to a doctor for antidepressants and he gave me a name of one to research. i suppose just the fact that i was there for me indicated that i felt the need for assistance and support, but he seemed to want me to research things first. i suppressed frustrating while he spoke:

find an all-consuming mission in life, he told me. emmerse yourself in something you consider very important and emotionally fascinating. that is the easiest cure for depression, he said.


what can i say?

i can enumerate the difficulties that bring me to his office, and even play the victim if i thought it would do any good. it will not.

i can pretend i find his advice useful, since i already have utterly captivating ends to which i am devoted, and little or no comprehension of the nature of my difficulties.

can i NOT assume that they are chemical in nature, and that antidepressants, as an extreme option, are necessary in the wake of the failure of other means?? i do not care to mess about in causation since hateful hunting-down of causes and effects has proven completely useless and irrelevant to me. i simply care about becoming productive, happy and effective; about being able to sleep and eat regularly, be able to contribute to relationships, and create and enjoy prosperity.

god i could say this to myself a thousand times and would it help? perhaps. positive thinking seems to work.

i have no answers. i am quite down.

nevertheless i stumble through life, and i cannot comprehend how to escape the suffering i experience except through the aid and support of others, and the vagaries of faith in a higher power. it is MOST frustrating for me, since my mind is the same mind I had when I WAS productive, effective, and happy, but i am NOT productive, effective, and happy.

it is the most frustrating experience i have ever had. it is more frustrating still with the awareness that life is there to be enjoyed yet for some reason i do not and seemingly can not, as if by some invisible obstacle that stops me. it is incomprehensible, frustrating, meaningless and irritating.

i will return to my Small Daily Steps philosophy tomorrow. today i want to vent a little. im okay really.


Post a Comment

<< Home

follow me on Twitter