discouragement with work, mtv, blog survey, my day

well i think today I'll write something more freeform.

what i have today to say is a little pathetic so i thought i'd make it look artsy in the hope that no-one reads it.

i'm watching Australian mtv and drinking coffee til my chest hurts. I went outside once today to talk to my neighbours cat, abbey, who was a bit distracted and not in the mood to really say hello, but handled a pat very well thankyou. a wellpatted cat that cat.

for what it's worth i'm feeling a bit offish, a bit not-on-ish. It is easy to go What a load of sheit because i'm physically very well off and contented and making great progress in my life at the moment. But the truth of the matter is i'm pissed off unreasonably with things at the moment. this is the pathetic thingi i wanted to talk about.

Nirvana is on tv, and how fully they describe nothing much i cannot be bother saying. I tried to write some scifi short stories and ended up coming up with itty bitty novels which thrillingly went nowhere. it was very frustrating.

i got angry to the point of cursing at least three times today from having to negotiate physical reality. i am simply tired of it all.

i logged onto about fifty blogs today which was intrinsically depressing because the sheer idiotic number of political blogs express such lavish stupidity that i can't even be bothered creating a cogent opinion on the lot of them. its funny ten years ago i had no opinion about politics cos I was ignorant, now i have no opinion about politics that isn't alterable and changeable depending on context.

Context, context, context, context, context, which is just lovely when like the content of life happens to be say cooking something to eat when you really haven't got any interest in food, or having to use stimulant coffee even though quite honestly you find caffeine to be a powerful and addictive social drug that you can't do without but you're not going to say that most of the time. No much better to rationalise and say, oh i'm feeling a lil grumpy today cos I'm not sleeping/eating/exercising/having sex too much/too little/enough/not often enough.

It's SO THERAPUTIC to talk... but if we're honest we'd just prefer our fucked up friends liquidate their stupid rantings. It would certainly make for shorter blog entries.

I'm uncomfortable in more ways than I care to pay attention to...what is the matter is the matter. what is not the matter is the matter. I don't feel like sheit but just Anxiousanxiousanxious. most unpleasant.

A few of the blogs fall suddenly silent. I wonder what happened to them. did they die? i ask. Most likely i answer.

A few of them are startlingly erudite, effortlessly brilliant, expressing a completeness that is inherent in a mind at one with the world around it, the true intellectual in her element.

I'll go back and put the links throughout for the various types of good blogs. the crap ones i won't link. nah. nogo

as to the famous ones, well, i've had a look at slushdot and bongbong and fuck and amyldada, and they are lovely, really.

Johnny Cash is on tv. I used to live with an ancient alcoholic who played Cash endlessly as an expression of his absolutely vacant soul, empty even of the perverted aggression so many helpless and incurable alcoholics manifest. So I always hate the guts out of Johnny Cash.

the interesting thing about blogs is that
the thing that really gets me is that
you know what's really important is that

no, sorry. No happy ending today; just a nasty tone and a bunch of words that don't belong together.

OK.

what i did today was wake and eat toast, and coffee, go outside in the sun, drink coffee, play about online with blogs, come up with sf ideas, watch the truly disgraceful local tv stations, watch the interesting arab news, play with the new iMac, sit in front of the heater tapping away to yahoo groups for writers i've just joined last night, burning up enough electricity to fuel a small nation.

The Beach Boys sing 'Don't Worry Baby,' on tv. i can see why they were so popular.

When I consider how interdependent everything is, it is no wonder things tend to run down, when we have little idea how to sustain them successfully. I have little to know idea how to sustain a simple stable lifestyle, much less how to keep a steady frame of mind for any length of time. I strive

Pavement on aussie mtv sing: "is it a crisis or a boring change?"... keepin it in perspective, in the clip they are running round town with santa suits and bow and arrow. omigod the evil alliance of mtv and blogging turns out to be magically seductive. The pavement band slides down grass in santa suits. They are so much more wonderfuller than they need to be... :-)

I started to write a story about a trip to jupiter. The idea was that suddenly the hardcore scientists onboard find in a 'magic spot' on the trip they can do magic, you know, old fashioned Abracadabra type stuff. It was meant to be a joke.

Then quickly and in accordance with my somber mood it because peice on the (apparent) conflict between faith and science, reflecting the rather effortlessly brilliant story on the subject I had read online at Rob Sawyer's site (http://www.sfwriter.com/faithful.htm for his fine SF story). Then it became a rebellion on board a 5 year flight to Jupiter, which is simply not my story to write, truly and honestly Not My Style.

(sigh) These stories don't come easily unless you're the kind of person these stories come easily to which might seem redundantly obvious but you can become the kind of person easier than you can write these stories otherwise. In otherwords, they're fucken hard unless you're the kind of person who finds them bloody easy.

So I'm working working working. And it's hard hard hard. And I'm discouraged disco- never mind. I'll get over it about now.